Testing the 'Ole Bladder

I will note up front, that I do NOT have a runner’s bladder. Now, I can hold it in with the best of them, but if I have to go- I have to go. I will run to a gas station if need be, but I will not push through it. I try very hard not cause bladder infections, by all means, but I don’t overload the water intake previous to run. I much prefer to run with a bottle of water and drink along the way.

During this particular run, I was away for business and had a long evening to myself. I found a local college trail and started out. It was a great scenic trail including ponds, trees… more trees…. plants (that looked a little suspicious) and so forth. But you get the idea, a lot of the same thing, but you can’t beat running on a flat path in nature (without the zooming of cars passing by- well of course they are always honking at my awesomeness!).

It was a long run, it was a 9 mile trot- or should I say shuffle- and I was zoned. The race between your feet and not wanting to be out after dark is a pretty powerful motivator, especially when you are anxiously looking for duct tape on the side of the trail noting that you should turn around ASAP. My friends, I watch Criminal Minds, I know what happens after the sun goes down.

So, there I was, I had already hit my halfway mark and I was getting back to the start point. My legs felt like jelly, but I made sure to look like I wasn’t dying every time I passed a young running group from the college- no worries there was MUCH heaving and gagging after they were out of sight. As I turned the bend to run around this small man made pond, I began to realize it was the perfect weather for the kind of reptiles I cannot deal with- so I was all eyes on the path in front of me. Rounding the last turn, there it was… HUGE… LONG… and Black and its beady eyes looked at me like “try and cross here and see what happens.” This snake was a monster and I am sure was a lab rat at the college that escaped and had been eating runners all day long, yet he still looked hungry! I stopped; I am pretty sure I peed a little and began to weigh my options.

First, I could turn around. However, this would add an additional 4 MILES to the 7 I had already run. This would also mean I would be out past dark… Duct tape or snake….

Second, I could just run past the snake repeating to myself “they are more scared of you then you are of them” (which I am CONFIDENT is not true) but it might help me move my lead legs.

Third, and the ONLY sane thing to do, throw things at it. Lots of things, this way the snake is aware I need to cross, and this isn’t his path… that won’t make him mad, right?

So that was my genius plan- I was going to make this work. I found the biggest rocks I could pick up and some logs. Then I began my attack. At this moment in time I also realize that I have no aim. And when I mean no aim, I mean those carnival people made their games to make money off of people like me. That snake simply stared at me like I was an idiot and DID NOT BUDGE! So, I got the bigger rocks and bigger sticks and decided if I added a little noise to the mix this would help. What a show I gave for anyone watching; throwing an object, yelling and for some reason I jumped back every attempt- you never know- that snake could have attempted a strike during mid throw.

Nothing was working, so I decided I could run past it. The sun was setting, no one was around and I was stubborn enough not to turn around. I did a little pre-sprint stretch (ya… I don’t know why either) and began to mentally prepare my mind and physically prepare my bladder to get by this 50 foot MONSTER! Right as I began to go, it MOVED!! As I let out a little yelp and a shudder, I noticed it was actually retreating back into the woods. After it disappeared, I waited an additional 15 minutes, just to be sure there weren’t going to be any surprise attacks and then I proceeded with caution. Beginning with a full out sprint I got past the dreaded imprint in the road that the monster left and continued to run at high speed- well as high as you can after 7 miles and a snake operation.

Eventually I was out of the danger zone, ½ mile later, and slowed down. However, I NEVER stopped looking behind me—you NEVER KNOW!!

Lesson learned here? Run with a BB gun…

A little competition never hurt anyone… Right?

Family should be like a good bra, knowing when to be supportive and when to let you just hang free.

(This picture is missing a few grandkids, my husband, and my nicely brushed hair, but it is all I currently have of at least the (6) of us kids in one picture)

My family is most definitely this way, in their own special/unique/individual ways. For those of you that don’t know much about my family; we shall do a quick overview…

Dad (Back Row on the left): Honest, straight to the point and “work hard for everything you have” type.

Mom (Back Row on the right): Believe or not, she is shy. Every now and then she has a moment, but she is a good reserved Christian lady.

Amy (Front row middle, blue shirt): Oldest child and my running partner- or was until she got faster than me. Take charge, don’t hurt feelings, and be organized…

Chris (right side, hiding behind his wife, orange shirt): he works for a great company (admirably it is hard to get in too), so truly he feels as though this is pass for EVERYTHING! (Why should I help with clean up, do you know where I work? Etc....)

Katie: Well…. I am just pretty much AWESOME I don’t think there needs to be any other explanation (Oh and I am self declared the 2^nd funniest in the family)

Ben (Yellow Shirt on the left): By far the funniest guy in the family, and the most athletic. I don’t think he practices much… at anything. But he will nail it EVERY TIME

Corey (Left middle, LOTS of hair): He is a builder. Do you want a shed? Done. Do you want to build a fence? Done. This is Corey, definitely loves to talk and isn’t afraid of putting in the sweat and time

Elliott (Middle of the picture, light blue shirt): He is the baby…. Not A baby, THE baby. Shy, honest and sincere…. (Everything else was taken so I don’t think he had a choice….)

So… now that you have received a close up of whom we are, let me tell you why this is important. We have a ½ marathon coming up… Hospital Hill, June 2^nd 2012. This race was sent out to all (6) kids to run together. And yes, they all agreed… In writing… That we would do this together. Now when I sent out the idea, I thought it would be truly as a team… Ya know, holding hands across the finish line, everything is in slow motion as we cry our tears of joy that we have done so well… Great job sister… Great job brother…. Wonderful Disney-Like Film in my mind…. I don’t see the problem here. Those moments really happen in real life, right?

Low and behold, I recently found out, that this is NOT the case. EVERY MAN AND WOMAN FOR THEM SELVES! I hope you survive it because I am not waiting to find out! And guess who I was told will be last to finish that line?? Yup… Me. And this is probably true, but wow… where did all the love and support go? I officially feel like I am now wearing a bra from the clearance isle!

Now I see them all as competition and that means if you are on the side of the road with a swollen ankle… I am not stopping. I run as if a lion is chasing me, and those rules don’t state you have to be the fastest you just have to beat one person… And it will be you with the swollen ankle.

Can’t you feel the love? Ah well, we will see how it goes. I probably will be last (there will be at least one person behind me but probably not a sibling). Amy will beat her goal and then start drinking her beer, Chris has opted out-some work injury (surprised?), Ben will run it once and then loop around to finish with me, Corey will be home by the time I finish, and Elliott will be done and with mom cheering me across across the line.

I just hope everyone stays the extra hour (or two) to see me run across… It is running as long as you are bouncing and I can make just about anything bounce at a very slow pace!

However, I couldn’t ask for a better family- even at their worst… they are still the best…. (Yes, if you are wondering…. I consider this their worst. What was so wrong with finishing together, while holding hands?)

Happy Bouncing to you and my you have a supportive bra!

~K

Funny Faces

Have you ever seen this photo?

 For those of us that don’t look like Jillian Michaels when we run, this cannot be truer. For me, every race I do, I think I look utmost FANTASTIC! You get this image in your mind from all of the beautiful people on television, of how you MUST look while exercising. Sweaty is just fancy for glistening, right? The realization normally hits when I pass a car, a storefront, or a garage sale with mirrors out for sale (yes, this happens a lot). Although you try so very hard not to look, it’s inevitable, much like that car accident on the other side of the road while you are driving speeds of 80+ mph. You just HAVE to look!

When you run any of the bigger organized races, they normally pay someone to take action photos. I think these are primarily for those that usually win, break records and actually do look like Jillian Michaels when they run. However, the photographers don’t want to leave anyone out (heaven forbid) so they stick around to take pictures of the rest of us…. Sigh. I have even prepared myself ahead of time, knowing when the picture is coming to smile or look serious… or pretty much make it something I won’t grimace at later…. Here are some examples of nailing this ideal….

What??? This isn’t the finish???

 

An attempt at a serious face… However… I look like a bald lady with digestive issues

 Pretty confident I am actually having digestive issues- and yes, this is the photo that told me it was time for a new bra….

Probably the ONLY shot I have in actually nailing the art of the action photo… I just finished 13 miles and although all I see is dehydration, pain and exhaustion… It came out in a smile

In reviewing all these races (yes these pics are from different races) maybe it's also time to discuss my wardrobe? I suppose this is a tell that I most definitely have a favorite outfit!! But no matter the outcome of my picture... I will still try and make it work out... Just like that train wreck you just shouldnt be so interested in!!

Just remember, you have choices when it comes to your action photos:

#1 Practice your run face prior to the big day so you know what to do

#2 Not care (out loud anyways) of your results photos and hang them proudly

#3 Be Jillian Michaels

1...2...3.... Cheese!

~K

8 or 9…. Who’s counting?

Yes, I mean 8 or 9 MILES… in one run. And you have to survive (but you don’t have to like it)

There is a trail by my house that is perfectly flat and great for running. However, I don’t think I would ever run it alone, the only girl I have seen on the trail alone had on neon pink and orange ‘80’s running gear completed with a whistle around her neck. Since I am all out of whistles I try to opt out of solo running. This trail holds many memories for my sister and I, like running a 12 mile run when we were only supposed to do 8 (someone forgot their keys so we had to double back) and the desperate search along the trail for nature’s toilet paper because I realized that day I was lactose intolerant. By the way, if you find used duct tape along a secluded nature trail, it will make you run faster!

But we love the trail, and continue to utilize its flatness. This particular day my sister was the driving force, she had a half coming up (that I was opting out of for various reasons) and she needed to get in her long runs prior so she was ready. So we headed out that morning ready to go- well one of us was. I quickly realized that I was not near as prepared and this 8 mile run was going to be much harder than I thought. We run in intervals, 7 minutes running and then 2 walking; or if you were me that day; 2 minutes running and 7 minutes walking. Very quickly my sister left me in the dust and I got to watch her behind for most of our long run “together.”

This trail is marked with mile markers and we decided it would be fun to have a picture by our distance. Mine was originally done as a joke, however in hindsight it is pretttttty accurate.

Somehow in my slowness my sister was able to not only stay on her intervals, but accomplish an entire extra mile- which meant we had to stop and retake her “8 Mile” picture.

During this adventure I couldn’t help but run the song “8 Mile” by Eminem in my head. It has NOTHING to do with our adventure, so I made up my own lyrics- I don’t really know much about rapping but when you don’t “think” anyone is looking you can be pretty much any rock star that you want to be, right? Well that day during my tortuous run I was a rapping rockstar rewriting the song “8 Mile”- and let me say it was a hit. (I could hear the cheering fans!)

A corner was up ahead in the trail and with my headphones on I am pretty sure that I was singing in my loud voice (and those that know how loud my quiet voice is, should be able to imagine the loud one). Throwing up my hands and dancing a jig, low and behold there is a couple that rounds the corner, and how do you play that off? My answer? You don’t, you simply nod and smile and quit dancing just in case they are picking and they think you are truly some sort of gang member throwing up signs. However, I was VERY Surprised that they didn’t want my autograph! Very soon after that came my sister on her way back, and I felt no need to distract her from her intervals- she knows I am a rock star so why re-live the moment? (And would she honestly be surprised??)

Although my hands were swollen, my legs were shaky and my pride was confused (what?? I am not a rap star??) I still put in 8 miles that day. It was a great way to start the day. And I was uber proud of my sister. AND I bet she was dancing too and didn’t want to tell me… So that’s why she ran ahead! It all makes sense now!

Don’t worry, that evening I had 3 glasses of wine, tons of calories in Mexican food and continued to laugh about the couple that is out that got to witness the weird lady rapping and dancing a jig…. I bet I run into them later in life- hopefully by then I will be three sizes down and able to brush this instance off as someone else…. As a friend of mine says “Eh… Who cares… I am coo’ with me!”

Sing loud and proud and run often!

~K

What goes up.... Doesn't always go down

Everyone knows this is how it works, you throw a ball in the air and gravity takes over, bring that ball back down. However, this is NOT the case when it comes to running. Somehow no matter the route I choose, what goes up just continues to go up and up and up and up. I am baffled by the fact that no matter how short or how long my runs are in my neighborhood, every time I turn on a road I am going UPHILL. Yes, I know this is good for you and works out different muscles, blah blah blah… However, it also dramatically slows down my times as well as flat out (not literally) stinks!

I have found however, that I have mastered a different set of skills while continuing to run UPHILL everywhere. First, I can run up a hill without glancing up once. Just look down muttering left, right, left right until I can see with my peripheral vision, that I have made it up the hill. This makes mastering a monster hill completely doable, as well as non-defeating. So what is the bad side to this rock star method, and why doesn’t everyone do it? Don’t worry; I will be able to tell you because I am a problem finder!

First, in learning the hard way, you should glance up every now and then and look out for parked cars; you never want to know the feeling of actually running into one- I promise. Or the feeling of glancing around nervously to see if any of the neighbors saw you literally run into their parked car (I cannot even imagine had I hit it hard enough to set off the alarm)! On the same note, you aren’t aware of the cars coming up behind you. So, when these drivers are trying to be considerate and go slowly around me I cannot imagine what the driver may be thinking when my reaction to the surprise arrival is to jump, let out a small cry for help, pee a little bit, or do some sort of arm action that is similar to a karate chop (threatening right?).

The second downfall to this wonderful running method would be missing your turn. Okay, okay, I thought it was a driveway, but nonetheless I ran right by it! By missing this particular turn, it happened to add an additional mile to the run to get back on track. (Turning around was not an option my friend… If I start with the shortcuts now I will always turn around!). And by the way, YES it added more hills!

Lastly, you sound like your dying. Hills are hard, even though you burn more calories- you are fighting gravity and therefore you need more to get up them! And seeing as I have much more than the average person to fight gravity for, it is worse. Thus, everything gets harder including your breathing. I am waiting for the day in which someone pulls over and asks me if I need a ride to the nearest emergency room because I just finished “running” a hill. I sound like I am having an asthma attack. Pretty Brutal.

Even with all that said I am determined to run that 26 mile marathon and need to be prepared for those hills so I suppose this is the best way… Just keep swimming, just keep swimming… Or running… or bouncing and imitating a runner… Whichever fits you best!

May you enjoy your hills this weekend!

Madness

According to Wikipedia, Insanity, craziness or madness is a spectrum of behaviors characterized by certain abnormal mental or behavioral patterns.

This is how I refer to the path that my sister Amy and I have embarked on. I was inspired in 2010 by a friend of mine that run a half marathon after her first baby. I couldn’t believe the things she was posting on Facebook- 6 miles?? Wait… Do you mean all at one time?? And from there the number steadily increased until she posted her race day pictures! I couldn’t believe it! I thought only career runners can go that far without dying, well and Forest Gump. So there I was; watching my baby that was going on 6 months old play on the floor while sitting in a recliner with a glass of wine and some form of chocolate in my hand; not comprehending why I was having such motivational issues! The more I got to thinking the more I realized, I need a goal (and probably a break from Chocolate), and it needed to be hard. Not “run every day and like it” (while butterflies and birds sing their songs and motivate me to keep going) but pay for something and commit to it.

So I announce I was going to run in the Kansas City Marathon, well the Half Marathon let’s be clear. And I knew I needed a partner, someone who could deal with my shortcomings (the very few that there are) - not push me down and pass me and still love me in the end. Who better then my sister? Her first reaction, the best I can recall, was “13 miles?? Are you crazy?? Drunk??” and then before I knew it- we were both on a training plan and telling the world we were going to do it. More than likely I told everyone I saw because I was bragging, but I think subconsciously I was making sure I would do it. Who would want to admit defeat to everyone they knew?? And I didn’t want to have to break a vital limb just to get out of it, so it was on.

Over the next few months, between those wonderful stares from my husband when I said I was too tired to train, a full time job, and a toddler running around, I found time to learn how to run over a period of time without dying. And before I knew it, race day came. We had coordinated our outfits, avoided alcohol the night before and shoved ourselves into the midst of thousands of other crazies trying to prove something at 6:00 am in the morning. I was super nervous that day, but excited all at the same time. My memories from that day reflected on the friends that showed up to cheer (both along the way and at the end) and the multiple times I told my sister dramatically “Go on without me…. I can’t make it.” But we did, and with that finish came a victory beer, medal and more bragging rights then we ever imagined. Not to mention the honor of applying that “13.1” sticker on your car so even strangers can look at you with awe…. J

 3 hours, 8 minutes, two port-a-potty stops, multiple street bands, endless Dixie cups of water and many motivational speeches later we finished. And by finished I mean we made it across the finish line on our own two feet.

Don’t let that smile fool you… we are leaning towards each other in the picture because we are actually leaning ON each other. Good times. Also pictured with us would be my niece who ran her first kids fun run that day… couldn’t say I remember too much about it as I was only focused on “don’t fall over, don’t fall over, don’t fall over they will make you go to the hospital” but what I do remember is she finished with style and we all got our medals.

So in the end, nice story, lovely pictures- what’s the point? Although we have achieved our first half marathon, we are on our way to complete our first full marathon (don’t worry I haven’t let my sister nail down a date- this will need MUCH preparation). Not to mention, I have found that while I run, I am HILARIOUS! The inner dialogue that happens between my ears throws off my breathing routine (in-in-out-out-in-AH HA HA HA HA). I try to call my mother at the completion of these runs and share, and she finally told me I should share these stories with everyone- so I am! Even though I think she might have just been trying to tell me to quit calling her in the middle of her cake baking shows.

So the path begins---- with a running plan every week, two half marathons this year and a future date for a full I think this will be quite the riot of a journey and I am hopeful that you not only have a few laughs but decide to join us on any and all of our running adventures!

Happy Trails- and remember the further you run the more you can eat!

~K